How Did You Know Your Fet Didnt Work

If you want to know if I am alright. I am not. You don't recall it's possible to have your eye broken as many times equally yous practice going through IVF. It breaks into a 1000000 pieces and slowly, y'all piece them back together merely in time for your heart to shatter again. I am yet picking up those pieces today. I recently shared that my Embryo Transfer got cancelled because of Covid-19 and was patiently waiting for my fertility dispensary to open back up. When I finally got the call that they were opening, I scheduled to start treatment ASAP. I quietly prepped the whole terminal calendar month and a half for a Frozen Embryo Transfer on June 8th. After the almost excruciating 10 day wait, it's with a heavy heart that I tell you our transfer didn't work. Not pregnant. Allow me rewind to give yous a little insight into this FET wheel.

Frozen Embryo Transfer Prep

The process was relatively easy considering I had just completed the majority of it with my cancelled FET wheel. I knew what to expect. I was in the groove. I had my eye on the prize. I think the scariest moment of prep is e'er the twenty-four hours I offset progesterone injections. That scary long needle that gets injected into your butt. Merely like anything, after "pulling off the bandaid" and simply getting through the starting time dark, it all only becomes part of your routine again. I volition say the injections aren't even that bad compared to how your butt starts to experience after a few days. I remember telling Blake it'due south like I have two bruises on my butt the size of lawn tennis assurance. Sitting is uncomfortable. I was doing them once in the forenoon and once at dark. But regardless of any unpleasantness, you grit through because that precious progesterone is for your baby. And so it'southward all worth it. Once I started the progesterone, nosotros were locked into a embryo transfer engagement. It was on.

Embryo Transfer Twenty-four hour period

Given the state of the world, our transfer looked alot different this time. While Blake was immune to come with me to the procedure, he could not because he had to be in the motorcar with Otis since we are still fully quarantined at dwelling house. Since I take been doing my medical treatments, it was important to me and our family that we continue to be as safe equally possible to protect my health as well as that of Blake and Otis. Since we are without childcare aid and we aren't having contact with anyone to watch Otis, he had to support me from the car instead of in the room. I am so lucky to accept gone through a transfer experience before in normal times and so I could at least know what to expect. I tin can't imagine other woman having to go through this procedure alone. It weighs heavy on me thinking how hard the process can exist for everyone.

Blake gave me a kiss, I kissed Otis on the brow and I headed into the facility. I wore a mask, had my temperature checked, and answered a slew of questions pertaining to Covid-nineteen. Besides the obvious precautions, everything was just as I remember. I met with my embryologist who went over my info, talked to me about my embryo and got everything set to become. My doctor came in and I was able to ask to video in Blake during the process. But of course, with Blake watching a wild toddler in a car seat that didn't want to be in his car seat, he had to mute his own sound and he ended up not actually knowing what was happening as I tried to communicate with him, wearing my mask and giving hand signals. I call back in a way, But, regardless we did our best to create our own sense of normal. I had my music playing and simply like that, nosotros were done. Information technology'south a super quick procedure and afterward I lay down for xxx minutes earlier I am allowed to become home. It's also to note, they requite me valium before so I am SUPER relaxed only practice need to be driven home because of it. We drove dwelling house and I got set up for my three days of bedrest. I queued up my favorite rom coms, wore my coziest pajamas, and had more than time to myself than I recollect in a long fourth dimension.

The hardest office near the bed rest was not actually beingness able to hang out with Otis. I missed him terribly. My lilliputian buddy 🙁 We tried to take him come into bed when he was in a relaxed mood or it was time for his milk before bed and a lot of time, information technology would exist a piddling complicated considering he's a toddler that wants to be on the movement and I need to be very careful and not have any pressure on my stomach. That was the toughest thing. Not getting many cuddles and hang time with Otis. Just luckily he had a great time with Dad and I cherished the time I did get to spend with him.

2 Week Wait

I thought the 2 calendar week wait (or 2WW) would exist easier this time effectually because I accept been through it twice before then I should basically be an expert. Incorrect. There is and so much PTSD when information technology comes to infertility and IVF treatment. I feel the 2WW was even worse this time effectually. Day two I was already off to doctor google looking upwards implantation signs, symptoms, you name it. I knew it was bad. I knew I shouldn't read, only damn guys. You lot ALWAYS READ IT. The first couple days were rough. Especially with the state of the globe, I tried to disconnect myself from all social media equally much every bit I could but it was also a time I could Not look away. I think in retrospect I blame myself… perchance I should have truly disconnected more. Maybe I acquired myself stress when I should accept been more positive and focused on myself. Once I got to day 6, I started feeling better about being closer to claret examination day. I was leaning into the "I'm pregnant" mentality and doing my best to exist every bit positive as possible. Fast forward to the nighttime before my blood piece of work. I have not been that anxious in a LONG time. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. I had a million things going on in my listen. Blake was trying to become me to take an at abode pregnancy test from mean solar day 7 but I held out. I didn't want to torture myself with whatever false positive or false negative results. I was going to agree on until claret work solar day.

Blood Work Twenty-four hours

I tossed and turned all night before my blood work. My optics were awake scrolling my telephone earlier my alarm went off at 6am to become up, shower and caput to the doctors office for my blood work. Anxious. Nervous. Excited. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a solo cup to save my morning pee to exam it with an HPT (at home pregnancy test), did my business, and showered to get set up. Information technology was a misty June morning time, softly raining and eerily quiet bulldoze. A huge pit in my tummy. I did my quick blood drawl and I was dorsum in the auto on the way home.

Luckily it was Th, TRASH DAY, so I could distract myself with chasing trucks with Otis. Earlier I left on my routine walk, I had Blake go in and practice my pregnancy tests with my saved urine. Did I tell you how much I love Blake and how he is the freaking best partner in the earth? The idea of doing a HPT and seeing a negative outcome would destroy me and then Blake was on duty. My final successful FET (which I wrote about hither) I did a HPT after my phone call with the nurse to find out it was positive. My hopes were high. Until Blake came out, "All 3 are negative." I could see it all over his confront. The look I accept seen before. Destruction. My heart sunk. But and so just similar that, I had to bring Otis to go see the trash trucks. Going through fertility treatment with a toddler is a very different experience. Less time to process. More distraction. Just different. We talked every bit I strapped Otis into his blue car that I pushed him out for our walks. "I'm going to pray that my beta comes back positive. Maybe it's too early for my home exam. At that place is all the same a risk."

I left for my walk, where I e'er run into my friend downwardly the block to take a socially distanced walk with our toddlers. With every step I took, it became alarming clear that, fuck. This might non have worked. I continued on with our convos focused on Otis and our kids and just hoped that she wouldn't bring up whether I went in for my claret work. I could experience the tears merely creeping upwardly in my pharynx. It was my most heart wrenching trash day. A 24-hour interval I ever wait frontward to. Now riddled with worry. It'due south a approval sharing our procedure with friends and loved ones, merely when things are bad… they become epically worse when you need to report bad news. Thankfully our convos were low-cal and I headed home. To continue to wait.

Since the negative HPT, the knot in my throat, and the tears but swelled but never poured out. I needed to know the truth and look for the claret work results. Simply Blake and I had pretty much come to the realization that… this didn't piece of work. And here nosotros were once more. HOW DID We Go Hither. I sabbatum at my desk-bound sitting next to Blake. I was Not going to answer my phone. I knew I would break downwards and Blake needed to be the one to field the call from our doctor. I felt like throwing upwardly. The wait was excruciating.

The Telephone Call

My telephone rang and Blake picked upward. I could hear my doctor's vocalization and instantly knew… information technology was bad news. Our hearts were broken. She explained that she was so sorry to have to share this news with us. And that I didn't even have a bio chemic pregnancy, it was zip. I am thankful for that at home pregnancy test. To be able to diffuse our initial shock, and make me more than lucid for that call than I would have been going in blind. It's the unfortunate thing nigh IVF. While information technology's this wildly incredible beautiful thing, it's not 100%. Nothing is. Everything was perfect. My lining was AMAZING and probably the thickest it's been at transfer at a nine.2. Everything went perfectly. Simply in the end, information technology wasn't plenty. After 10 days going to slumber staring at my photo of my embryo and the ultrasound showing the transfer, our precious embaby was gone.

Processing Our loss

I was pretty open with family unit and close friends, and some of my boyfriend fertility warriors about our FET. The joy that comes along with sharing my experience and beingness able to connect with people during such a hard time also turns actress hard when you lot are left fielding texts from people who know you had a transfer wanting to know what happened. I talked most how to support a friend dealing with infertility and IVF and I recollect the hardest thing is that people simply truly want to support you and don't know the pain that comes behind some of their interactions. While innocent, those convos are still a biting pill to consume when you are dealing with mourning a loss. There is no perfect fashion to accomplish out. Only allow me tell you lot… those conversations were many. I basically had to go through my head and remember virtually who I told and who I wanted to cutting off from sending me that inquisitive message. I merely couldn't take that. I texted a lot of my friends my bad news, and politely let them know I did non desire to talk nearly information technology. But to be honest, today is Tuesday, nearly 6 days later on, I am still fielding texts or dms from friends who are checking in. In those starting time few days… it was unbearable. And I will exist the first to say, I know all of these messages from friends come up out of love. I know that. And then if anyone reading this is feeling awful for reaching out to me, please don't. I sincerely capeesh every message, anybody checking in. Because in the cease, information technology'due south more important you be there imperfectly than not at all. I think that in the current country of the world, that argument holds truthful in so many ways. I recollect that adjacent fourth dimension around, nosotros will tell way less people because the repercussions of having to alive through this feel of failure is more easily mourned without having to do damage control for my own sanity. If that makes sense? Damn infertility is fucking hard guys. Really fucking hard. And when you lot are down, y'all are really down. I knew I was committed in sharing our story with you all but it doesn't arrive easier sharing these huge night times in such an open forum. But I exercise this considering information technology's important to see all sides of this journey. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I blamed myself a lot. Wondering if it was my error for non creating a positive enough environment for my embryo. Was the state of the earth creating more stress and worry and keeping me from being the warm receptive place for new life? I think it's hard as a adult female going through this process. Y'all blame your body. You blame yourself for the things you just aren't able to practice. Those moments are hard. The fact that while people everywhere around you are seemingly sneezing and getting pregnant. Without a fleeting idea virtually it other than they were ready to get-go their families. The joy it must be to be blissfully unaware of these struggles… but sadly that will never be me. My path has been much unlike. The pressure you put on yourself. That strain is unfair. Y'all have to remind yourself that you did the best you could to create a loving welcome environment and there is so much out of our control. But the guilt is always in that location.

One of the hardest things afterward finding out I was non pregnant was not being able to mourn properly. What i mean by this, is that being a mother of a toddler, I tin't but drop my role equally a mother just to mourn our loss. Motherhood goes on, and in this pandemic globe, we are still just Blake, Otis and I. I can't just stop to exist sad, and cry my eyes out. I take a tiny person to dearest and care for and the last affair I want is for my sadness to make him sad. 3 days later on the news, I was sitting eating breakfast with Otis in the kitchen and I started hysterically crying. Paw upward to my face as the tears streamed down. I didn't desire Otis to look me in the eyes and see the hurting. Otis put his tiny hand on my arm and with the saddest whimper in his voice, I could merely feel how dislocated and concerned he was that I was so sad. I wiped my tears on my shirt and wrapped my artillery effectually him. "Mommy is going to be ok Otis." I think that has been the strangest part of my mourning process is that you don't just get a suspension from motherhood when things go tough. Then it's been a much different procedure birthday. I know everyone experiences these things different and nosotros don't have to be then strong all the time. I read something recently and information technology resonated then much. Yous don't need strength. You need courage. Courage to proceed fighting. Courage to be vulnerable. Courage to grow. And courage to await a distressing situation in the eye and see the hope backside it. You never forget these losses. I still recall often near our first embryo transfer that failed. It's something that you lot live with. And something y'all hold in your heart forever.

Then what is adjacent for the states? I volition tell you what, WE Go along FIGHTING. I am then thankful to say we have 2 precious embryos left. We fought hard for those precious embabies and when the time is right to effort once again, we volition try once again. Blake and I are both committed to not forgetting our past or what we have been through, but to fully put our hope and love into our adjacent chance. To come across Otis' face everyday this past calendar week (and really everyday) is a constant reminder of the beautiful miracle of IVF, what comes from never giving up, and just how sweet life has become with him in it. To all of my boyfriend IVF ladies (and partners) out there, I know just how dark some of these days may be, only delight don't give up. Otis has changed our lives forever. My biggest joy is being his mother. And each moment in the day is made better because of him. I know this fight seems isolating, particularly in this pandemic world, but you are non lonely. At that place is an army of women backside you lot just similar me. While my middle is still picking upwards the piece, information technology's here with you. Yet filled with promise. To our futurity family, I will exist patiently waiting for you.

I wrote a few posts on infertility and IVF  and you tin find them beneath:

IVF ane

IVF ii

IVF 3

Prepping for FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Preparing for IVF egg retrieval

How to support a friend going through IVF

IVF volume resources

Photo taken by my love friend Alison Conklin a few months agone

viningtherear.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2020/06/24/failed-ivf-frozen-embryo-transfer/

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